The Fear of Failure

If there's something about me that shows in my entire personality, in my temper - basically everything that makes me myself, it's the fact that I'm a complete and utter perfectionist.

I've always been this way, ever since I was a little peanut and still went to primary school - I had to get my work done precisely, and I wouldn't rest until everything was completed perfectly. Back then, that was alright, and my parents were so proud of their little girl who always excelled at everything, the over-achiever, the primary example.

Somewhere along the way, however, I feel like my perfectionism has turned into something unhealthy.
I mean, it's great when your inner strenght wins over your wish to procastinate all the time and you get things done, and you do them well, but for me it's started to feel like so much pressure. Like I pressure myself to be nothing but perfect when that's all but possible.

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I'm extremly scared of failure. There, I said it out loud.
It's what I've been trying to hide from people - getting smiles and hugs and recognition for doing well is great and all that, but I don't think my parents or friends would tear me apart and feed me to the lions if I ever didn't suceed at something.

I'm my own problem.
I want to so badly for myself to do well, which on one hand is healthy because after all, my entire future depends on the work I do and the choices I make leading up to my twenties, but I put so much pressure on myself that it stops me from doing all the great things I want to do.

I'm not going to lie, the days when I feel so teribble that I don't even want to approach my desks have been increasing, especially since classes and work started again on Monday.
Monday was literally my first day back, and it was enough to have me sitting in front of my Mom, crying because I felt so overwhelmed by everything that was thrown at me, even though none of it was particularly bad and outrageous.

And the awkward duckling I am, I don't really know how to explain how I feel to others, because to be honest it's hard to put into words when I think about it in my head as well, because until recently I didn't even realize how unhealthy my behaviour was starting to be.
Besides that, I feel like such a whiny twat reading all of this. It makes me cringe because I know that other people would love to do as well regarding education and work as I am and I must seem so ungrateful. If I do, I'm sorry - that's not what I'm trying to come off as.

The problem with this entire situation is that I don't know how to step back from all my work and responsibilities, sitting down and watching some episodes of my favorite TV shows is basically impossible because I always have all the things I could be getting done nagging at me while I try to relax, so other people telling me to "just chill" or "take your time and take a step back" might be really nice and want to help, but sadly it doesn't help me at all.


I don't know why I'm ranting to you all about this, but I do know that I really had to get this off my chest. And maybe there's someone else who is in a situation similar to mine?

I'd love to hear your story or thoughts on this subject as I feel it affects a lot of young people nowadays!

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