I don't post about my personal life on here too often, and while I'm not one to put their entire life and everything that comes with it out there for everyone to see it, I want you guys to have more insight into my thoughts, my processes and my actions. I've had this blog for roughly one and a half years, and I still feel like this is somewhat unpersonal - so this is me letting you in some more. And what better way than to start with something that's been giving me headaches and sleepless nights for weeks? But really, it's one close to my heart.
If you follow me on Twitter, you might know that my final year of high school started this week. The word "final" itself gives me the creeps because, as much as I like to shout "change is a good thing" from the rooftops, I'm freaking scared of endings. Like, crippling-terror-scared. Exsistential-crisis-scared.
I think the worst thing about this part of my life coming to an end is that school is the one thing that gave my life a routine, and, as much as I loathed it at times, I find comfort in that routine. It gives me something to do. It gives me a secure future, at least from the ages six to eighteen. And after it has ended? Then what? Do I really want to go to uni? Can I do this? Who am I?
At least I know I'm not the only person dealing with this "how the fuck am I going to cope as an adult" buisness from talking to some of my friends, because it feels like we're all pretty much lost and only a fair few have their next few years completely figured out. Phew.
The realization that everything might not be as bad as I think - but still bad enough to give me nightmares now and then - will hopefully help me focus on actually finishing this year and with it, my A-Levels. Now, I'm a pretty good student, so unless I completely blank out on either of my five A-Level exams, I should probably not have to worry about failing too much, which is extremely reassuring.
I'm pushing myself to get better and better, though. I want, and actually really need good results as you need an overall grade of 1.7 or better to be admitted to what I want to study at uni. For all of you who aren't familiar with the German school system, that's a little above an A- as an overall final grade, made up of your scores from year 11 and 12 as well as your A-Level exams. Scary, eh?
I really, really want to be able to achieve this, and I know it'll take a hell lot of studying to get there, but I hope I can do it.
What I hope for even more is that I won't ruin my health as much as I did studying for my exams last year. I was so dedicated to achieving the grades I wished for that I worked myself up quite a bit. I did end up with really good grades, but also in physical pain, with stress levels as high as Mont Blanc as well as insomnia. I don't want to do this to myself anymore because as much as I'd love great results, not wrecking myself needs to be a priority.
And, besides all the boring but somewhat terrifying educational aspects, I hope that I'll still have plenty of time to spend with my friends before our last year ends. I don't think I'll ever get to see them as much as I do at school ever again, and I have no clue where we'll all end up a year from now - probably spread all across the damn globe, in Australia and America and Turkey and Germany - and it's really weird and sad thinking about not being able to see them for long periods of time.
I wish for it to be a great year for us, no matter what life throws at us.
If you follow me on Twitter, you might know that my final year of high school started this week. The word "final" itself gives me the creeps because, as much as I like to shout "change is a good thing" from the rooftops, I'm freaking scared of endings. Like, crippling-terror-scared. Exsistential-crisis-scared.
I think the worst thing about this part of my life coming to an end is that school is the one thing that gave my life a routine, and, as much as I loathed it at times, I find comfort in that routine. It gives me something to do. It gives me a secure future, at least from the ages six to eighteen. And after it has ended? Then what? Do I really want to go to uni? Can I do this? Who am I?
At least I know I'm not the only person dealing with this "how the fuck am I going to cope as an adult" buisness from talking to some of my friends, because it feels like we're all pretty much lost and only a fair few have their next few years completely figured out. Phew.
The realization that everything might not be as bad as I think - but still bad enough to give me nightmares now and then - will hopefully help me focus on actually finishing this year and with it, my A-Levels. Now, I'm a pretty good student, so unless I completely blank out on either of my five A-Level exams, I should probably not have to worry about failing too much, which is extremely reassuring.
I'm pushing myself to get better and better, though. I want, and actually really need good results as you need an overall grade of 1.7 or better to be admitted to what I want to study at uni. For all of you who aren't familiar with the German school system, that's a little above an A- as an overall final grade, made up of your scores from year 11 and 12 as well as your A-Level exams. Scary, eh?
I really, really want to be able to achieve this, and I know it'll take a hell lot of studying to get there, but I hope I can do it.
What I hope for even more is that I won't ruin my health as much as I did studying for my exams last year. I was so dedicated to achieving the grades I wished for that I worked myself up quite a bit. I did end up with really good grades, but also in physical pain, with stress levels as high as Mont Blanc as well as insomnia. I don't want to do this to myself anymore because as much as I'd love great results, not wrecking myself needs to be a priority.
And, besides all the boring but somewhat terrifying educational aspects, I hope that I'll still have plenty of time to spend with my friends before our last year ends. I don't think I'll ever get to see them as much as I do at school ever again, and I have no clue where we'll all end up a year from now - probably spread all across the damn globe, in Australia and America and Turkey and Germany - and it's really weird and sad thinking about not being able to see them for long periods of time.
I wish for it to be a great year for us, no matter what life throws at us.
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Good luck this next year :)
ReplyDeleteTiffany Amber
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