Even though I like to put on the front of someone who really has all of their life together and doesn't care about things like decisions or their consequences at all, I'm actually actually scared shitless of life in general.
You might think that I'm exaggarating, but I'm not. Let this little anecdote illustrate how serious I am - on Monday, my English teacher asked what we'd like to do once we graduate. While the rest of my class was happily chatting about university, police school, going abroad and all that good stuff, I was quietly having a breakdown as I feel like I'm the only one who has absolutely no idea what she should do with her life. I was actually starting to feel dizzy. Nice.
Anyways, that's an issue for another day.
What I was trying to achieve with that introduction was to clarify that I'm easily intimidated and quick to panic.
I shared one of the goals that I had in mind for this year with you guys in March, and as I felt like writing it down made me realize how far I had come back then, I decided to share something else with you, something that I sturggle with a lot but try hard to better myself.
Being brave.
Even though I'm someone who has some very strong opinions on a variety of subjects, and even though I might come of as snarky and/or sassy, I'm usually too scared to share what I've got to say.
Not so much in situations like a simple discussion, but more in times where I will actually have to stand up for myself and stop others from treating me badly.
Why? I'm not sure.
I guess I'm just afraid of people being angry with me, or dissapointed in me, or thinking that I'm a complete bitch.
Basically, I think that it's my low confidence that is the root of all evil.
I really don't want to cry about how I always feel like I'm not good enough and that I always feel like I could be doing better, but that's reality.
And when I'm talking to people and mentioned that I'm not sure on my outift, I'm not trying to fish for compliments, I'm actually concerned. Same goes for hair, make up, my apartment. The list goes on.
And with that confidence problem comes the fact that I simply cannot open my mouth once things get serious.
Someone calls me stupid? I'll take that. Someone runs into me? Cool. Someone not so accidentally hits me? Whatever.
No.
I think it's time for me to stop letting others run me over and tell them how I think about things.
I think it's time for me to say yes more, to take chances that I might not have again, even though they make me feel nauseous.
I think it's time for me to let go off the crippling thoughts at the back of my head telling me "What if it goes wrong? What if it backfires?"
It's time to realize that I will never know the answers tom all these questions if I don't simply go for it.
PS: You will probably have realized by now that I have changed my schedule from three post per week to two for the past few weeks, and I'm very sad that I had to do that, but most of my final exams were taking place this June, so I was - and still am - very stressed out about and busy with those.
My last final is on the last day of June, so after that day, I will go back to the way I used to blog before.
I also have some very exciting things planned for July, including a trip to Berlin which I will obviously cover, and maybe even a giveaway, so stay tuned!
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